Who's That Girl?

I don’t know what happened to me when I stepped off that plane in Mexico back in December, but it was as if a switch went off and everything changed.

It’s been a tough ride for several years – tougher than I would like to even acknowledge and along the way I became a different person. I was a wife, mother, caregiver, nurse, therapist along with so many other roles, all of which I am incredibly proud of and wouldn’t change for anything. However, I also lost a bit of who I was individually in having to be so many things to so many other people. Here’s the thing, I love being the go-to person both personally and even professionally, but I guess that became ALL I was – up until my world changed.

I lost my husband and partner of over 25 years.  Yup, we were high school sweethearts – how rare is that!? But with that loss I have now had to step back and start figuring out who I am without him. Talk about a real rock you to your core moment. If you know me then you know that I don’t shy away from anything difficult, never have and never will, but at that very moment I just wanted to run away and hide from it all. I didn’t want to talk; I didn’t want to hear anything or anyone, no words could fix anything and in fact most things I heard or that were said to me made it worse. Oh and I sure as hell didn’t want to face it all.  Nothing is scarier than being 42 and not even knowing who you are anymore?  When you have always made plans and had seen yourself as being half of a united team of 2 and one leaves unexpectedly you need to find a way to fill that other half of your soul back up in order to survive and function.  I have a little girl I need to be present for so there was no time to waste, that’s for sure.  I’ve done a lot of thinking, reflecting and soul searching and have vowed to continue doing that going forward because you can always make changes at any point in your life. It’s taken me a while to realize that, but I’ve also decided this is the time for me to go on my little journey of re-invention.  It’s time to look at this current life lesson and myself through a different lens.

It’s a lifelong process for sure, but on that very day when I landed in Mexico something happened. I felt it and couldn’t explain it.  Was it that warm sun? Or maybe the feeling of freedom being somewhere else other than the walls of my home like the last 2 years with lockdowns. Was it that I was doing what I love and what I missed so much – travelling?  All I know is I became stronger, more fierce, confident, and most importantly I felt as if I had turned a page to a new chapter. My new life. Is it scary? Heck yes, but surely I can do this and maybe even have a little fun and laughter along the way?

Maybe it was something I always had in me but was tucked away very deeply as I pushed through everything else? Maybe it’s someone special from above sending me this gift so that I can push forward?  I’d like to think it’s him – it gives me peace and I know he wanted me to have the very best life.  Whatever it could be I welcome it with open arms because I haven’t felt this little spark inside of me for quite some time, and with these feelings I’ve noticed a ripple effect with everything around me. It’s true when they say you attract what you project.

I had moments while in Mexico that I thought “this feeling will end as soon as I get back to the daily grind and stress at home” but it hasn’t. I am moving daily, smiling daily and feel this invigorating sense of positivity despite all the negativity, daily hurdles and struggles all around so many of us right now. I am looking at everything with light and love knowing that everything will work out as it should. Could this be temporary? I don’t know, but for now I will bask in these feelings as I know it can all change in an instant. That’s the blessing and curse of life – it’s unpredictable, the highs are high, but those lows are equally low. Will there be tougher days ahead? Absolutely, but if I keep this fire inside of me going strong, I’m sure I can get through those too. So, thank you to whatever divine intervention that flicked the switch inside of this woman and thank you Mexico for unleashing her.  

LM