Who's That Girl?

I didn’t have the opportunity as a child to say what I felt or thought to you.  I didn’t know how to verbalize what it was I needed from you, but I also pushed all of that aside as I began to grow up and looked at things differently and in a more mature or rational way.  I looked at your life and realized you didn’t have the best upbringing and maybe that is why you were the way you were.  I looked at your life and realized love, affection, praise was not something that was readily given to you, so maybe that is why you struggled with me in the way you did.  I also realized that in life you have choices and in this case 2 paths, and you very clearly chose one that did not include us.

As an adult I allowed you back in.  Still at arm’s length out of fear that I just might be disappointed again or hurt in some way. I prepared myself with minimal expectations and put aside my feelings because it was the only thing that was fair to my daughter – I always put her first in all my decision making.  It was because of Mark that I even began to welcome you back because he truly felt people can change so give them a chance.  He made me see things from a different perspective and so, that is what I did.  It was smooth sailing and remained that way for a while, I even started to let my guard down.  In the beginning I didn’t let you in enough to truly know who I was or what was going on in our lives starting with Mila. I’m a private person as most people will tell you – but eventually I shared that info with you.  I didn’t fully let you in on what was happening in our home and the challenges our family was facing – I shared that with minimal people if any at all – but it eventually became impossible to hide so I then shared that with you too. 

Then it all changed.  It became all about you and how you were affected and inconvenienced at a time that really had NOTHING to do with you and really should have been all about us.  Despite me explaining things to you, you chose to be upset, hurt and angry and again, you made it about you. What is the worst part out of all of it is that at a time when we needed you most, you abandoned us…….and me specifically, yet again.  I will never fully understand how you didn’t move heaven and earth to be there for us on that day. I know that if God forbid something like this happened to my child there would be nothing in this world that could have kept me away.  I will repeat that again for those in the back – THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT COULD HAVE KEPT ME AWAY.  No weather, no headache, and definitely not my own selfish needs or feelings would keep me from being by my child’s side at their lowest of moments. You wanted to make a point and you did – message received. I have not heard from you nor do I want to – it would be an insult at this point.

Now my message to you is simple and clear.  You were a disappointment then and again now.  You were disrespectful to my family and especially to Mark and you will have to live with your decision from that day for the rest of your life.  You can make up any story you choose to tell yourself and even to others about what happened, but I know EXACTLY what happened and that is all that matters. You will have to live with not having us in your life any longer and not being privy to any of our wonderful moments to come.  This is my goodbye to you – again. Lastly, as I did in the past I will do again now – I will rise up, dust myself off, move forward and be the best parent I can be……all with no thanks to you. 

Sincerely,

LM