Who's That Girl?

The destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else – sacrifice.

There are many points in life when you may have to sacrifice something for the good of someone else.  You go without something for yourself to provide for your children, you sacrifice your own mental health to help someone else with theirs, you bite your tongue and hold back your feelings, words and emotions as to not hurt or offend another person.  There are so many ways you can sacrifice yourself and sometimes it comes at a cost.

I have given myself up to people for a long time and always have made myself uncomfortable or sad in lieu of someone else experiencing that pain or hurt because I would never want to be responsible for causing any of that to someone else.  But at what point do you stop doing that and make yourself important too?  It is hard if you are an empath or if you are a people pleaser and so there comes a point when it can all be too much.  I live my life with the goal and intention of being a good person.  A kind, thoughtful and loving person who would do anything for not only her loved ones but any other person in need.  As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I like to see people happy, but it can also be detrimental if you are doing it and it leaves you in the dark.  Everyone is battling something or has their own issues they need to deal with and trying to keep that in mind in your own personal actions is the thoughtful thing to do. But what happens when you are always putting others needs ahead of your own?  At some point you need to put your own needs first and there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s hard, I know – but we must try our best. 

It is very easy for people to point fingers and judge others – our entire society has become this way, but it is easy because those people haven’t lived even a single minute in another person’s shoes. What if the tables were turned? Could those people live the life you have lived? Could they endure the struggles you’ve had to fight through? I’ve thought about this a lot when Mark was sick, and I know that is why I never for a moment left his side or turned away from him. I gave him my all and never wanted him to feel bad about any of it because I know he didn’t want to be sick or suffer and he especially didn’t want it to take a toll or to be a burden on his family. I didn’t want him to have to worry about anything or doubt my love or dedication to him for a single moment. That was the last thing he needed to be thinking about – I just wanted him to get better and most importantly for him to know that any sacrifices I made was done out of love, compassion, respect and care for him. Vows are not just words to be said, they are the way to live as a couple.

I do not for a second regret any of it, and I would have done it for him forever but it did leave me emotionally and physically drained and feeling very much alone for a long time. We are talking about years of being on high alert while carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Caring for not only him but my daughter, working full time, maintaining a home, keeping up with all extracurricular activities, running around and slapping on a happy face while attending family functions or gatherings and always ensuring everything was fine at all times because that is what any person would do for their loved ones, right?!

As time has gone on, I have healed in many ways but there is much more healing to do. I have found happiness and peace again and it feels wonderful to have that surrounding me, yet things are still difficult and emotional for me. I have come to a new understanding on many things and for many different reasons and as I process it all I will grow smarter and stronger each day. Is it all exhausting? It sure is, but it can be rewarding too. I hope if anyone else reading this today is feeling the same way or feels like they might be sacrificing a little too much of themselves at the moment I hope you can take something from this and be sure to do a little something for yourself to reenergize or boost yourself too.

LM