Who's That Girl?

Hi, remember me?

I’ve slowed down quite a bit with my blog posts but I am still here.  When life gets a little tougher or heavier I tend to go quiet or shy away.  Things have been super busy professionally and even more so personally, so I’ve had to quiet my mind as much as possible when there is an extra minute or two to myself.  Something I’ve learned over the last couple of years that is really important. There have been some road bumps and challenges (what else is new, right?) but in those quiet moments I’ve had time to reflect and continue forward with my self-learning and healing.  With that I’ve noticed my perspective and view has begun to shift and change yet again, which has been exciting but also scary as there is further newness to get accustomed to as a result of that.  Some things are less significant in your life and some feelings or thoughts that used to consume you, no longer take up space in your mind or life at all.  What I’ve learned is that you continue to evolve and change year after year once you’ve lost your other person and when processing, healing and working through that grief.  Who is that girl, indeed?  She is growing again!

As I continue to move through all these new challenges and changes, I have accepted that others who have not experienced loss on this type of level will never truly understand who I am, what I need or even how I behave.  What I have realized is that because this is my journey to navigate and trek through and not theirs, I can’t always keep them near or have them along on this ride with me.  I’ve spoken before about how this type of journey and working through grief can be a lonely and isolating one, but what I’ve realized is that I am growing through it one step at a time and being alone in it isn’t always a bad thing.  

A friend posted a quote from Eminem and it felt relatable.  The quote was “My side of the story doesn’t matter anymore.  Life happened, it hurt, I healed, but most importantly I learned who deserves a seat at my table and who will never sit at it again.”  It’s a tough one to read, but it also depends on how you want to interpret it.  People might not sit at your table because they have passed away.  People might not sit at your table because at this moment in time you need to sit with yourself.  I was scared to repost it because I was sure I would get a ton of backlash, and I didn’t want anyone to think it was specific to them when in fact, it wasn’t.  I didn’t want people to get crazy ideas of what the message was about when it was something very simple.  Having just experienced that recently, I didn’t want to go through that again.  But more and more I’ve thought about it and realized I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind or share.  That was the whole point of this blog – to share my thoughts, emotions and feelings while discovering myself!  Sharing it all so that if someone else was feeling the same way, it would help them feel seen. My posts are not meant to hurt people, nor are they messages to anyone specific and anyone that truly knows me or loves me would understand that or would at the very least ask me about it if there was any question. For those of you who might not know me that well or at all, then these blogs are a little insight as to who I am becoming. I am working through something unimaginable and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. I also don’t have to do it in any way that suits everyone else best.  This is my story to write, both literally and figuratively.  Think of it as a choose your own adventure book like we used to read as little kids.  

In my adventure I am learning to let things be and leaving it to the universe to guide me because at some point it will all make sense and will work out in whatever way it should. In my story I have learned that not everything is a 911 emergency or of any real importance in the grand scheme of things, even if other’s may think so.  In this chapter I have learned that life yet again has thrown curveballs and challenges for Mila and I, but we will get through them because we are stronger than we think. In this edition, I am watching my daughter grow up so quickly before my eyes and I am amazed at the gift of having an incredible relationship and bond with her, and that if anything good has come from this incredibly shitty situation, it is just that.  In the foreword of this book, I am accepting help from time to time even though my mother would probably say otherwise and I am thankful for that help.  With each page I am experiencing new friendships with new and even old friends and am so much more aware of how I am enjoying my time with them and the feeling I have when leaving their company which is crucial in life. This choose your own adventure book is filled with blessings in disguise, and I am grateful for it all.  

At a recent doctor’s appointment my doctor who I have had for 28 years looked at me and said “it is so good to see you really smiling again” and it made me proud.  Proud that for once someone who really knows me could recognize a real smile and not just the one I was putting on as a mask.  I smiled because despite all the other stuff going on, somehow, I’m still smiling through it. Smiling because I am finding my peace and my true self through all the weeds and all the storms.  Smiling because even though I still miss him with all my heart and Mila and I wish things could be different, the epilogue to this book is that we are going to make him so proud of who we have become.  

LM