Who's That Girl?

Love is a universal feeling, yet how each of us expresses or experiences it can vary dramatically. I’m sure most people have heard about the Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman and which has helped countless people understand why they might struggle in relationships or how they can better communicate affection. Whether you’re in a romantic partnership or even trying to better understand a friendship, learning these love languages can help you create deeper connections and a more fulfilling relationship. The five love languages represent different ways people give and receive love, and while each person tends to have one primary love language many people will resonate with aspects of others as well.

On my healing journey over the last 3 and a half years I have reflected quite a bit on my previous life and relationship with my late husband. Starting out as best friends, eventually turning into something more and all the way through our 25 years as a couple, it was never perfect but it was ours and special and I now see what our love languages were and how they evolved as we grew up together. With that I’ve also been looking back on some great memories which doesn’t hurt as much to reflect on thankfully.  More recently, love languages has been a topic of discussion among some friends and I’ve realized it’s also something that can look very different as you get older and even more-so for widows and widowers so I thought I would share my thoughts about them.

Words of Affirmation

For those who resonate with words of affirmation, verbal expressions of love are the most meaningful. Compliments, praise, and positive reinforcement matter a lot to them. They want to hear “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” as that is what fills them up emotionally. On the flip side, harsh words or criticism can be especially hurtful to these individuals. 

If you are friends, partners or have a family member whose love language is words of affirmation then you should compliment them, offer genuine praise, or even leave little notes or texts of encouragement, to just simply remind them how much they mean to you.

Acts of Service

People whose love language is acts of service feel most loved when their friend or partner does something for them—whether it be that they cook dinner, clean the house, plan a little surprise or outing. For them, actions speak louder than words and the effort and time you put into making their life easier, more comfortable, or enjoyable is a tangible way they feel cared for.  Although I resonate with a couple love languages, I personally can attest to this being of most importance to me.  One of my favourite lines from the movie Top Gun is “Don’t think, just do” — taking the initiative to help out around the house with a chore I dislike, providing assistance without having to be asked or to even go so far as to plan a thoughtful evening together shows me that you care.  For a widow or widower we are carrying the weight of it all on our backs and for some of us for a longer time period prior to their passing so simple acts of service can really speak volumes.

Receiving Gifts

For some, receiving tangible tokens of love is their primary love language. It’s not about materialism, but the thought and effort behind the gift that counts. A well-thought-out gift can make them feel special, appreciated, and remembered.  It’s the act of giving that communicates love, not necessarily the price tag.  Surprise them with a thoughtful gift—whether it’s something small, like their favorite snack, or a meaningful keepsake. This is actually one of the ways I personally show my love and admiration for others. Remembering important dates like anniversaries and birthdays also means a lot to people with this love language.

Quality Time

People who favor quality time value having someone’s undivided attention. It’s not about the quantity of time spent together but the quality of the interaction. They appreciate when someone is fully present with them, free from distractions and for them moments of connection are built through deep conversations, shared activities, or even simply just being together.  Whether it be through one-on-one time where you can focus solely on them, by simply putting your phone away when engaging in meaningful conversations or by even doing an activity together that you both enjoy are some of the ways you can give quality time to someone.

Physical Touch

For individuals whose love language is physical touch, physical affection is the most powerful way to communicate your love for them. This could range from a hug, kiss, to even more intimate gestures. It’s the feeling of closeness that physical touch provides that strengthens the bond for these individuals and that provides reassurance and connection for them.  This would be another top love language for myself personally. A warm hug from a friend, holding hands with someone while walking down a street – this is right up my alley!  Although she doesn’t even know it’s her mom’s love language, this is something that Mila does that absolutely warms my heart to the core.  Again, for a widow or widower this is something you may miss so if you have a new potential partner or are open to that down the road this could be of some importance to you as well. 

Understanding your own love language as well as that of your partner or friends can be extremely beneficial. Take Dr. Chapman’s quiz online and see how you naturally express your affection towards others.  Think about what makes you feel loved but also talk to your other person about what their wants and needs are.  Often, we express love in the way we wish to receive it which can create friction and tension in our relationships, but everyone has a different love language. It’s not to say that people with different love languages won’t work, it’s simple taking the time to find out what resonates with each person and being mindful in showing them that way. 

Most importantly communication goes hand in hand with all these languages.  Unless you are a mind reader you won’t know what the other person wants or needs so talk to your friends, family or partner and let them know what works for you and ask them what works for them.  When both parties know and understand each other’s love languages it can drastically improve the friendship or relationship. Not only knowing but by being intentional with showing love in the way that the other person appreciates will do wonders.  A little effort goes a long way.  Lastly, be patient – it takes time to fully understand another person’s needs but allow room for growth, flexibility and lots of communication and you can foster stronger and more meaningful connections too.

 xo LM