Who's That Girl?

Relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and love, but just as important is feeling safe.  Feeling emotionally and mentally safe has become the number one thing I have wanted to truly feel and never fully appreciated just how important it was until recently. Feeling safe in a relationship isn’t just about physical safety, it is about creating a space where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued. A safe relationship fosters growth, intimacy, and connection, while helping each person grow as their authentic selves.  

Despite my Golden Girl future that I had anticipated and settled on, along came a beautiful blessing – one that I never would have imagined. Whether it be what we’ve both been through or perhaps just the way our personalities clicked it has brought about the safest feeling I have ever felt.  Being 45 and attempting any type of relationship is very different from the teenage love I had at 16 years old with my late husband.  Although it was a beautiful story and very rare, that experience and this experience are completely unalike.  It has become very clear that as an adult and especially after all I’ve been through, my head, heart and soul needed something completely different – it needed calm, it needed peace, and it needed this incredible feeling of being safe.  There are many ways you can establish this important core feeling with a potential partner and I didn’t even fully grasp that previously.  That was until it happened naturally, organically, and it was just what we were – a safe space for eachother. 

It was important for clear boundaries to be set.  Boundaries are the invisible lines that protect both partners’ needs, values, and comfort zones. Establishing clear and healthy boundaries is essential for a safe relationship, as it helps prevent misunderstandings, miscommunications, and resentment. A boundary could be as simple as needing time for yourself, requiring respect for your personal space, or agreeing on how to communicate during disagreements which is crucial, as everyone has their own way of managing or handling a disagreement.

As I’ve spoken to be before, communication was another important part of ensuring I feel safe.  A relationship that lacks open communication can quickly become unsafe—emotionally and mentally. Effective communication is the backbone of trust, as it allows you to voice your concerns, express your needs, and share your feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. If you’re afraid to speak openly with your person that is a clear sign that something isn’t right. 

Safety in a relationship depends heavily on mutual respect and trust, and that is something my grandmother used to speak about regularly.  Many days Mark and I would sit at the table with her, and she would express the importance of respect in a relationship.  Those talks were special and beautiful to both of us, and I treasure them to this very day often hearing her voice saying those very words in my head. When both partners honour each other’s values, opinions, and experiences, they create a solid foundation of safety. Trust takes time to build but can very quickly be broken so ensuring that both partners remain honest and transparent with one another is crucial. Being reliable, respecting privacy, and refraining from controlling behaviors are ways to build that mutual respect and trust.

Being aware of any red flags is also important. People assume that just physical abuse is a red flag but there is emotional and even verbal. None of these have a place in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the red flags that signal any type of abusive behavior such as manipulation, gaslighting, possessiveness, or even something as simple as being disrespectful in how you speak to your person. Recognizing these signs early can help protect you but also, listen to family and friends if they are seeing things, you might not. 

Supporting each other’s independence is essential as each partner should have their own interests, hobbies, and friendships, apart from the relationship. Yes, it is amazing to do things together but giving each other the space to retain each person’s sense of self and to grow as individuals is equally important. It also prevents unhealthy codependency, which can create feelings of suffocation or resentment. “You do you” is something I often say to my friends or family and although it can be used sarcastically, I legitimately want that for anyone I love. I want them to be themselves and to have their own hobbies or passions because that is part of who they are!

Lastly, and probably the most important thing I needed to feel safe is how conflicts, differences in opinions and disagreements are managed. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle those differences or disagreements is critical to maintaining safety. Respectful conflict resolution ensures that both partners feel heard, valued, and understood, even during tough discussions. Avoid freezing someone out, shouting, being disrespectful with name calling or low blows, and never use physical aggression as a way of resolving issues. Instead, focus on understanding the underlying cause of the disagreement and finding a solution together. You need a minute to yourself to collect your thoughts or to cool off?  No problem – take that, but when you do come together you should work together to resolve it.

So, to sum it all up, safety in a relationship isn’t just about avoiding harm; it’s about creating a nurturing, respectful, and trusting space where both partners can thrive. It’s about emotional safety as well as physical safety. By setting healthy boundaries, fostering open communication, and showing mutual respect, you’re building a foundation of safety that will support your relationship for the long term.

Remember, a safe relationship allows you to be your true self, knowing that you’re loved, accepted, and protected no matter what. So, take the time to build that foundation of safety—you both deserve it.

xo LM