Who's That Girl?

Milestones like birthdays, graduations, anniversaries are all moments that help any widow or widower pause and reflect on how far they’ve come but are also reminders of that piece that is still missing. For many, they are moments of joy and celebration,  but for those still walking through the initial stages of their grief journey, milestones can feel more like magnifying glasses amplifying absence and sorrow. 

So here we are again – another milestone quickly approaching for our family.  Sure, it’s a little different this time as we’ve made a lot of progress in our healing and we are now in a rhythm with our new normal but in many ways, it will always be a difficult pill for me to swallow.  The wounds aren’t as fresh, the sting feels different, and emotions are definitely much more manageable but it’s still our reality.

There is a silent weight when it comes to grief and milestones.  It can show up uninvited, especially on days that are meant to be filled with light. The first birthday after a loss. The wedding where you sit alone instead of as a pair. A graduation without the person who would have been the loudest cheerleader. These moments can feel both beautiful and unbearable, a tug-of-war between honoring the present and missing what—or who—is no longer there.

I can vividly remember sitting as a guest at the first wedding after losing my late husband and feeling as if I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.  The feeling like everyone was looking at me with pity or watching to see if I would crack even though I’m sure they weren’t, and it was just my typical overthinking and analyzing in any type of situation – well at least the old me used to do that, and that was amplified exponentially during the first couple of years following Mark’s passing.  Seeing couples dancing and so full of love and joy and escaping outside as many times as possible so that the anger and rage inside wouldn’t show.  The father daughter dance felt like a sucker punch to the gut and left me literally winded all while slapping on the infamous fake it ‘til you make it smile so that the world wouldn’t know exactly how broken I was.  Please don’t get me wrong as I was genuinely and legitimately happy for the beautiful couple but being in a dark place mentally and having no faith in God or the world is just where your head is at in those moments. I’ve come a long, long way since then.

Grief doesn’t follow a straight path. It loops and spirals, and milestones often become sharp corners where emotions intensify. Even years later, anniversaries can reopen tender wounds so you need to really be mindful of where you are at or what you may need to get through each step of the way but also, if you are feeling happiness, joy and finally ok to celebrate then don’t feel like you are dishonouring your person for “moving on”.  They would want you to be happy and thriving and if anything, it can even be seen as a testament to the love and the depth of connection that remains as you are living out these celebrations for them and in honour of them.

One thing to bear in mind is giving yourself the permission to feel it all.  It’s okay to laugh and cry in the same breath. It’s okay to feel grateful and heartbroken. Grief during milestones is not a contradiction; it’s a coexistence. You can light a birthday candle and miss the person who used to be on the other side of the cake. You can watch your little girl graduate and still clap loudly for the both of you. These mixed emotions don’t cancel each other out—they create a fuller, more human experience.

Lastly, just remember you’re not alone. If you’re carrying grief into a milestone, know this: you’re not broken. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re human, and you’re doing something incredibly hard by continuing to live and love in the wake of loss. There is strength in allowing yourself to feel fully. There is healing in acknowledging both the ache and the beauty and there is hope in remembering that, while grief may change with time, new traditions and even new love may be present during these milestone events but that love and memory for your late partner and your child’s parent will never fully disappear – they are still present all around you but also in your heart.

 xo LM