Who's That Girl?

In today’s fast-paced and super digital world, it’s easy to feel disconnected despite being super accessible. We have hundreds of social media connections, but often still find ourselves feeling isolated. We chat with friends or colleagues daily, yet the depth of true connection can sometimes seem difficult. So, what does it really mean to be connected and why is it so important to our well-being?

As a widow there are many times you can feel completely disconnected.  You no longer fit in with the couples.  You no longer fit in with the families.  You can be mentally checked out with even those you thought were your closest of friends as you never fully feel like yourself and to be honest, your situation and battles won’t be fully understood by anyone. Another reason for feeling disconnected to friends is if they are connected to your late partner and previous life. It can be a heavy weight on you to be around them especially as you try to carve out your new space in this world and you may need to step away. You feel disconnected within yourself on the best of days so it’s no wonder you can’t connect with other people.  I know I found it extremely hard to navigate through all those feelings and thoughts over the last few years even walking away from people and situations I never would have fathomed because to be completely honest, nobody else could truly understand or relate to my situation and it felt very sad, lonely, and extremely isolating.  Sure, people are sympathetic, may try to say the right things or attempt in their own ways to help “fix” things all with the best of intentions, but unless you have personally experienced this specific loss you will never fully understand just how broken and out of the loop you feel within the world.

So how do you reconnect within yourself or with anyone else after suffering from such a loss?  Is it even possible? What I can say is that during my journey I have had some people (both family and friends) that really tried, and I am extremely grateful for that.  They found ways to make sure I didn’t feel so alienated while still being respectful and honouring my new path and life choices in this new world I was creating for Mila and I.  I connected with fellow widows and widowers which is where I felt the most understood and seen.  To have a conversation with someone who has the exact same thoughts, fears and even anger towards the world, God and faith the same way you do is such a relief as sad as that may sound.  You feel normal around them and normal is what you crave more than anything.

A romantic connection is something you may be open to depending on where you are at in your journey – or perhaps you have written that off all together and for good.  Either is absolutely ok and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You may have even attempted to date or begin a new relationship in search of that connection again.  Perhaps it worked out, or perhaps it was another learning experience or lesson for you along this new path.  Regardless of where you may be on your journey,  if you find an opportunity to be with a person where the both of you can be your authentic selves, share your vulnerabilities, express your needs and desires without fear of judgment and it is a healthy connection, then try it. The thought of doing that again with someone other than your late spouse can feel impossible, and I can relate to that.  That type of connection you had with them was built on trust, respect, and shared experiences all of which you built together over time. In this new world it’s not just about chemistry or attraction, although those things are certainly part of it. It is ultimately about the way two people communicate, support, and grow with each other. I’ve always said that the 25-year relationship between my late husband and I was far from perfect (what relationship is?) but we were best friends and had built a beautiful connection which I will forever hold in my heart. Finding a connection again is an intimidating and scary thought but if you find it within yourself to be brave enough to try again, then I commend you. Whether it works out beautifully, or even if it doesn’t, just always remember to be kind and patient with yourself as you attempt forming these new friendships and relationships during your healing. 

All types of relationships, whether it be a platonic friendship or romantic connection, require some basics for it be special or true.  Ultimately you need to be able to let your guard down, be emotionally vulnerable and you need to make time for one another despite chaotic schedules, other responsibilities and so on.  Being a supportive friend or partner through not only the good moments but even more so during those lower moments. The “fairweather” or “fun friend” won’t always provide you with a long-haul connection and can even cause you more harm during healing so be selective with your core people that you are keeping close during your healing process.

Something most people underestimate is the power of gratitude and appreciation in your connections. Small gestures of appreciation through a simple “thank you”,  setting aside time for a good conversation over the phone or over coffee, or even just simply telling your person how much they mean to you are simple ways of ensuring your connection feels valued and loved. Acknowledging your friends’ efforts and expressing gratitude fosters positive feelings and reinforces the emotional connection as well.

Another aspect people tend to skip over is remembering that no one is perfect, and neither is any relationship or friendship. Embrace the flaws, imperfections, and challenges that come with building any connections. The beauty of any connection lies in its ability to evolve, deepen, and withstand the tests of time.  In the end, a deep connection is a bond that grows stronger with each passing day, and it can be beautiful watching it flourish over time. On this new path as you build new friendships or romances, embrace it all – one step at a time.

I couldn’t end this post without some special mentions to some of my incredible connections:

MJS, my most treasured connection – thank you for being the single source of inspiration, fight and drive that I needed to get through each and every day. Your smile, laugh, hugs and firecracker spirit is the most amazing thing to be surrounded by and I am so lucky to be your mom.  “Be best friends forever”

Mom & Dad – I don’t know what I would have done without you, and I can never thank you enough for all the love and support you’ve given me. Always. I think you can finally stop worrying now. 😉

Cabrini Friends – thank you for being more than just friends, but more like family. Thank you for rooting for us at every step of the way while on this journey.

OG Dance Moms – starting out as Saturday morning acquaintances to soul sisters pushing each other through the worst of times and cheering for each other during the best of times all with a healthy dose of laughter along the way because “we listen and we don’t judge” – Thank you for your encouragement and especially for that extra push I needed that got me to my happy place.

To those that have reconnected with me or that have sent beautiful messages over the years – thank you for not letting me fall through the cracks and for giving me the space I’ve needed to think, heal and grow.

And last, but definitely not least, to the most special and beautiful soul that has come into part 2 of my life – THANK YOU. Life, our experiences, and traumas may have broken us completely as individuals, but somehow through those broken pieces we’ve found a connection that can only be described as something incredibly beautiful, special, unique and OURS.  “Don’t think, just do” is the motto for this next chapter and I am excited for all the laughter and adventures ahead.

So on this beautiful day, I encourage each of you reading this to take the time to cultivate those meaningful and special connections.  If you are a widow/widower going through your journey, I hope you find the courage within not to isolate yourself and to give yourself the opportunity to find new friendships and new deep connections that will help you along your way.

xo LM