Who's That Girl?

Have you ever just felt…off?

It comes out of nowhere.

Suddenly you’re not sleeping well. You feel anxious. Your thoughts feel foggy and you can’t quite think as clearly.

You can’t quite put your finger on it, because on the surface things in your life are actually going well.

Yet something feels off.

Recently I became aware of something called the Anniversary Effect, sometimes referred to as an Anniversary Reaction.

In grief, this refers to the emotional and physical responses that often resurface around meaningful dates connected to someone who has passed. Even when you feel you’re coping well, certain days—birthdays, wedding anniversaries, or the date of their passing—can bring grief back with surprising intensity.

Grief isn’t just emotional. It’s physical, and it can linger for years.

Our brains attach memories to time and seasons. When a significant date approaches, the mind subconsciously revisits the loss. Around anniversaries many people experience fatigue, anxiety, restlessness, trouble sleeping, headaches, body tension, or sudden waves of sadness or irritability.

Your body may remember the emotional shock of that time—even when you don’t consciously realize it.

There isn’t a single “right” way to manage this. But many people find it helpful to acknowledge it rather than ignore it. Let the emotions surface. Show yourself kindness and care. Some people create small rituals that help them process the day—visiting a meaningful place, lighting a candle, cooking their loved one’s favourite meal, writing them a letter, or simply speaking to them out loud.

Giving yourself space to feel can help you move through it.

An important truth about grief is that the anniversary effect does not mean you are going backwards. It simply means the relationship mattered.

Love leaves timestamps in our lives.

Many widows experience unexpected spikes of grief from the anniversary effect precisely when life begins moving forward—when they’re in a new relationship, feeling joy again, rebuilding routines, or imagining a new future. This is incredibly common.

Marriage shapes identity. When a spouse dies, many widows temporarily live in the identity of “the grieving wife.” Moving forward requires another shift—becoming someone new while still carrying the love that came before.  

I’ve often spoken about old LM and new LM.

Grief is rarely a single process that simply ends. The brain revisits it in layers. There is early grief, when we live in shock and survival. Later grief, when meaning and memories begin to surface. And moving-forward grief, when we start integrating past love with present life.

So you might ask: how long does the anniversary effect last?

There isn’t a fixed timeline.

In the first one to two years, it is often the strongest and most intense.

Around years three to five, many people still experience it, but the emotional waves tend to be shorter and less overwhelming.

Long term—five years and beyond—many widows and widowers say the anniversary never completely disappears, but it changes. Instead of a wave of acute grief, it may become a day of remembrance, a moment of reflection, or a brief emotional dip rather than a prolonged period of pain.

The response might last hours or a day rather than weeks.

It may never fully go away. But like so many things you’ve already navigated in your grief journey, it becomes something you learn to carry.

And you will get through it.

The past love will always be part of me.
But my heart is learning it is safe to live—and love—again.

 xo LM