Who's That Girl?

Today I celebrate my little girl – my heart warrior. It is crazy to think that 10 years ago right now her daddy and I were sitting in a room with so much fear, panic and shedding a lot of tears after handing our little 6-month-old baby over to the doctors at Sick Kids Hospital and watching them take her away through the infamous double doors off to surgery to fix her precious little heart.

At the time we didn’t share all that was happening with many people as we wanted to focus all of our energy, thoughts and prayers solely on her. No time to explain things to others when we were just trying to function and understand it ourselves.  I still speak very little about our experience to be honest.  Maybe it’s because it is still painful to think about.  Maybe it is because the past is the past so why mention it at all?  Maybe it is self-doubt which is so very easy to feel because we live in a world of extreme judgement and harsh opinions and maybe people would judge us somehow?

Well today that all changes. Today I will share our story because today I am celebrating my girl, Mila Juliana. At the time we took this photo to show her exactly how tough she is and that she could overcome absolutely anything in life no matter how big or how small.  We took it to remind not only her but us that she was born a warrior and with the soul and protection from an incredible guardian angel.  She is stronger than I could ever have imagined my sweet girl to be when I had her on that beautiful July day.  Small but mighty she definitely is.  Anyone that knows Mila knows she is a firecracker, a spit fire and one spunky little kid – nothing can stop this one and it is such a beautiful thing. She has proven this time and time again with every hurdle she has encountered, physically and personally. It truly is a gift to witness.

I still think about the other families and their babies in our ICU bubble who didn’t have the same outcome we did.  I still remember little Leah that was in the critical care crib to the right and that had so many things go wrong.  So unfair and absolutely heartbreaking to see.  I remember baby Lyfe across from us who had the most unique and yet such a significant and powerful name.  I think about those babies to this very day as if it just happened, yet grateful that it is a distant memory. 

I remember how frail and swollen my girl looked and how I could see the pain that she was in but she couldn’t tell us.  I remember so clearly how scared I was to even touch or hold her thinking I would break this fragile little baby.  I remember finally getting the courage to hold her, skin to skin, and watching her heart rate stabilize. What an incredible connection and beautiful moment! I cried so hard in that moment realizing the bond we had right from the beginning. She felt me and felt safe and at peace. I remember the smell of the hospital, the routine of sterilizing from head to toe before heading in to be with her. The families we talked to and spent long nights with in makeshift beds in lobby areas, cleaning the floors and anything around us to make sure we didn’t bring in any germs or bacteria when visiting our babies. I remember the sounds and beeps of every machine she was hooked up to, the panic each time an alarm went off and the many, many hours in those hospital rooms watching her heal and slowly getting stronger.  It was like witnessing a miracle right before our very eyes. Her daddy and I would sit there praying and talking about how lucky we were to be blessed with such an incredible gift.  It was a long wait to get our little blessing, but damn was it worth it.

All of those memories are forever burned in my brain. They are what push me and keep me motivated, inspired and focused every single day. I have to be the best mother I can be because Mila was specifically chosen and sent to us and for me to cherish for eternity.  I am eternally grateful and will forever be indebted to Sick Kids Hospital and the remarkable nurses and doctors for all they did and continue to do for not only my daughter but so many other kids.  How fortunate are we to have this incredible facility in our home town?

And finally to you Mila Juliana, my beautiful blessing: today I celebrate you, how far you have come and I want you to know how very proud I am of you.  Let nothing that comes in your way stop you from your dreams baby girl. Never lose that firecracker spirit and most importantly always remember that you are my miracle, my saviour, my strength, my everything.

LM