Who's That Girl?

Grief is such a complex thing. It can be from the loss of someone physically or even emotionally. Grief is universal and yet a very personal experience. Some people can thrive despite grief while others can barely drag themselves out of bed. It can take several years to fully process, if at all, or for some people it can take just a couple of months. One thing I am sure of is that there is no script or manual to follow and most importantly there is no right or wrong way for processing grief either.

I know my own personal experience has been up and down. The first few months I was numb, didn’t want to deal with anything or anyone and couldn’t process it all, but was just going through the motions and pushing through all the things I had to do. Then I started to see a little bit of light and even began laughing at times and that was hard to feel because you can have a lot of guilt when you feel any type of joy. It was around the 6 month point of my process that I finally gave myself the same grace and patience that I would give to any other person if they were grieving. I started to realize that I am allowed to be human and to feel, laugh, sing, dance but I am also allowed to have those low, quiet moments if I want to shed a tear. It was ok to start living my life and planning for things for the future again because life is about living. You can still live while remembering and honouring the person you have lost. Nothing can take that away.

For me grief began as I watched my loved one suffer through a horrible illness and how he slowly became a different person. I grieved that loss just as much as when he physically left us. That means that my journey has in fact been over several years, although to the outside world it would appear to be much less – that’s ok too. You never know what is happening behind closed doors and what struggles people are dealing with. I’ve always been a very private person and very protective of my family and it was an “us” struggle, not an “everyone” struggle. I think that is one of the reasons I started this blog. Nothing more transformative than doing a full flip and going from being super private to exposing many of your inner thoughts and feelings with the world.

Along my journey I personally feel like I had lost my husband and partner starting a few years back. When you watch someone suffer physically your brain and heart begins to process it – maybe it is the brain’s way of protecting itself or preparing you somehow? We shared a lot of love, hopes and dreams for the future but I think my heart knew that this was just a matter of time. I would never admit that to anyone or say it out loud out of sheer fear that it would come to fruition but in reality, I had no control over any of it, neither did he, and I definitely couldn’t prevent it. Mark would always say that Mila and I were what kept him here and fighting as hard as he did and for as long as he did, but it still wasn’t enough. I couldn’t wave a magic wand or pray any harder to fix it all unfortunately. What was going to happen was going to happen. I always held on to the hope that some miracle would come our way, but unfortunately that day never came.

In my heart and in my head I can hear Mark saying “you’ve cried enough hunny bunny” and “I know you loved me”. He said it when he was still alive so it’s only fitting he would be thinking the same thing from wherever he is now. He would want Mila and I to laugh, have fun, love and live. He would want us to push forward and to shoot for the sun, moon, stars and everything in between. Anyone would want that for their loved ones whether they are friends or family and that are left behind.

I guess my ask to anyone reading this today would be for you to be kind and compassionate and to just allow any person you know that could be grieving to just be in whatever moment or stage they are in and to respect that it can change at any given moment. Don’t judge anyone or have a preset expectation of what they should be thinking or feeling, nor a timeline of how little or how long they should be feeling those things. Allow them to laugh if they are laughing and maybe laugh along with them. Allow them to cry or scream when they need to. Allow them to talk about their feelings, the person they miss or their memories, but also allow them to be quiet and sit in silence with them if they need that too. Just love that person for doing the best they can with what they’ve got. That ask could be applied to anything really, grief or not. Just love people and be there for them always and without judgement because everyone is doing the very best they can. And finally, if you too are grieving be patient with yourself, ask for help if you need it and most importantly be kind and gentle with yourself through the process. You’ve got this and it doesn’t have to be your only story of who you are. You have so much more ahead of you so just hang in there. xo

LM