Who's That Girl?

When something is broken, not working, or outdated what do you do?  You get it fixed, you renovate or have a little makeover of some sort.  Well seeing as I’m doing that to myself internally, I thought it would be fitting to do the same thing to some of my external surroundings.

For anyone that has lost someone significant in their lives, being around things that are a constant reminder can be both beautiful but also painful. As much as I love being surrounded by all the memories in my home which can snap me back to a vault full of happy times it can also be a trigger to some extremely painful feelings and moments too. If I’m on this journey of reinvention and self-reflection, I also need to do it to some external areas. No, I’m not gutting my home or removing absolutely everything related to my previous life (that’s what I refer to it as now because this is my second half and new life) but rather just a refresh. A little bit of accessorizing if you will, to some of the areas around me and to make it my own.

The first project was my bedroom. So, here’s the thing with my bedroom – sleep has been an issue for me for so many years. I would say the problem of not sleeping began way back after I had Mila. I know you are thinking “new moms never get much sleep so that’s nothing new or special”. Well, I would agree, however, with all the health issues Mila was going through there was a heightened level of anxiety and stress going through my body which caused me to go in to fight or flight mode and to function it began to require very minimal sleep. Our bodies tend to become familiar with regular routines both healthy and unhealthy. Now, I’m fully aware that this isn’t a healthy routine for any body, but it is what my body became accustomed to and it was only getting progressively worse. People always say “I don’t know how you function” when they hear that I only slept about 4 hours on a good night and to be honest I don’t know how I did it either. I’m not trying to glorify this in any way, nor do I recommend it but I’m simply stating that it is a habit that my body became accustomed to.

After Mark’s passing it went down to 2 hours a night of sleep and being in my room was a struggle. Between my brain not wanting to ever shut off, having both my daughter and dog in the bed and just the mixed feelings and emotions of the room itself, it was a recipe for disaster. Sleeping on the couch also isn’t ideal but here I was doing that nightly. I could bang out any series in no time at all on Netflix because the nights could be filled with something and that’s what I needed. Something to fill the silence and void and to give my brain a distraction from the world and my reality. I was very limited on what I could watch as well because my mind couldn’t focus on pretty much anything and it would frustrate me even more. I’m always so focused and driven and here I was unable to understand a simple sentence coming out of an actors mouth. You will laugh at me for disclosing this but some of the things I had on repeat that brought me some comfort were Schitt’s Creek, Golden Girls and the movie Dirty Dancing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched and re-watched all of those over and over again. I guess anyone would want something familiar and comforting during stressful times and those were mine.

The latest show I added to the mix was And Just Like That. Ok, I know everyone is split on either loving or hating it and I’m not going to sit here and argue either side but for me watching this show hit home. Many, many years ago while watching Sex and the City my life experiences were similar to Charlotte and I was the “Charlotte” of our friend group. Now fast forward many years later the moment I put on the new series I realized so many similarities happening in my life that coincided with Carrie’s story. Nope, I don’t have her closet, her fashion sense, or her Big money but here was this woman who just lost her heart and here I was in that same boat. I can’t even begin to list the subtle similarities in each episode because there have been too many to list, but what I can tell you is that seeing her return to her old apartment where she felt safe and comforted made complete sense to me and that was when the idea hit. It was time to make this home, our home, a little more LM.

The first project at hand was my bedroom where the magic of sleep NEVER seemed to happen. I transformed it to a lavender, rose gold, white and grey feminine vibe this woman needed. Each little change from the rose gold accent wall, the stunning chandelier, and little accessories little by little made this room just for me and it feels wonderful. My sleep has improved drastically too which is an added bonus. I look forward to climbing up on my bed with a good book or my laptop to write and that is something I never could have imagined feeling in that room.

This overhaul took me back to when I was a teenager living with my parents and my mom would let me change my room to whatever theme I wanted. There was the Mickey Mouse room, the grey, black and white room and who can forget the infamous hot pink and black with custom made matching leopard print curtains? God bless the patience of my parents. I can still hear my stepdad referring to my room as the lobby entrance to a bordello during the hot pink leopard phase. I often wonder if I will be as cool about room makeovers with Mila – I’d like to think so. The freedom to express yourself with your room is something I am still grateful for and here I am doing it again as an adult. I would like to think that this room is slightly prettier and more feminine and perhaps my parents would be happier as it reflects who I am now and how much I’ve grown.

The room makeover was quite an undertaking and so a heartfelt thank you needs to be mentioned to some pretty special people who really came through for me. Whether it be from lending me a ladder, connecting my chandelier, to painting and wallpapering my walls, putting my furniture together and lastly the beautiful crystal knobs on my dresser, each person helped make this room my special place, all for me, and for that I am truly grateful. You helped make this transition even more beautiful and memorable for me.

So, my friends, with all that being said, if you are on a path of learning and growing be sure to take some time and indulge in the things that provide you as much comfort as you possibly need and no matter how silly it may seem.  Make time to truly evaluate your external surroundings as much as your internal – this is equally important. Take a look and see what little glow-up you can incorporate into your life that will bring you joy, I promise you it will be worth it.  And lastly, as Carrie Bradshaw would say “Maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we’ve been given, and accessorize the outfit we got.”

LM