Who's That Girl?

The death of a spouse or partner is very different than any other loss in the sense that it literally changes every single part of your world going forward.  When your significant other passes away the way you eat changes, the way you watch tv changes even your friend circle changes or can disappear entirely.  Your family dynamic changes dramatically, even your financial status changes.  Your job situation, your self-worth, self-esteem and even your confidence is impacted.  Your physical body changes, your hobbies and interests, or even your sense of humour. Your sense of womanhood or manhood is definitely impacted as well. Your mentality and how your brain functions changes.  Have you ever heard of widow brain?  Well, it is an actual term used to describe the fogginess and disconnect that can set in after the death of a spouse and it is very real.  Every single thing will change, and this is what is known as secondary loss.

Secondary loss is the avalanche or snowball of unanticipated changes and other losses as a result of the death of your loved one which requires coping and adjustment to as well. The list of all those things affected is a long one and it is different for each person, but for me personally there are several that I have been impacted by.

Not only did I lose a co-parent, my best friend and confidante and the person that I would make any of those harder life decisions with, but I lost my entire sense of normalcy.  Sure, things were far from normal especially the last few years, but despite those highly stressful and exhausting times that was still my normal.  I lost my usual routine. As chaotic as that routine was and although for a brief moment following his passing that weight lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again, I now have days I still can’t breathe but for different reasons. 

Another secondary loss is of traditions.  The traditions made as a family of 3 (4 with our little puppy) but also with extended family.  Those aren’t the same anymore.  How can they be?  I don’t know how I could have expected them to be.   Even going to certain places or homes can impact me and can cause a full-on anxiety attack just pulling up a driveway.  How you look at the spot where someone used to sit at the table that is now empty or filled with someone else and how it can crush you in an instant.  How each day now has this little cloud hanging over it despite all the happiness all around you.  It’s someone missing externally but also something missing internally within you.

Loss of identity is another one because who I was, I am no longer and who am I now?   I earned a new title – no longer Mrs but a Ms and the dreaded title of widow which carries its own set of feelings and responsibilities.  A title I thought I would earn at a much older age if at all, but here I am with it now. There is the loss of my child’s innocence and her having to deal with something that is too big for her to comprehend, nor should she have to. Sure, it will make her stronger and more resilient, but forgive me for wanting my child to just be a child with childlike problems for as long as possible and yet she still has much more to learn and understand when the time is right. 

I have tried to describe these thoughts and feelings to others of what exactly is going on in my head and heart and the best way I can explain it is as if you are floating around on a day-to-day basis but never feeling grounded or whole and that you don’t quite belong or fit in anywhere anymore. You are unsure and uneasy about everything and every decision you make; you feel out of place even with people you have always been comfortable with and you can’t even handle the smallest amount of stress because it all feels too big for you now. Sound confusing? It is, especially when you used to have all the answers and had it all together.

What I will say is this.  I never asked for any of this – not the original loss nor the secondary losses that came with it.  I didn’t choose this life; but this life chose me, and I try every single day to repair and rebuild not only myself but the life that will be for both Mila and I as well. We will continue to move forward through the good days and despite the bad ones.  If I am not the person I was before to any of you reading this today, I am sorry, but please know I am doing the best I can with the new one I am trying to become.

I am grateful for any new blessings that have come into my life but even understanding the new still comes with so many personal and emotional challenges. It is a constant battle of the old and new in your heart and in your mind and it’s hard. You want to remain who you were, but you can’t, and you want more than ever to be this new version of you – a person that you don’t even fully know yet, and that’s a struggle too. It is a type of limbo you are in or at least what I would imagine limbo to be.

I am grateful to the people (both from my previous life as well as the new ones) that give me moments of light on my darker days and that haven’t forgotten about us. The one’s that just look at me and can see past the smiles or my usual saying of “I’m okay” even when I am not and love me just the same if not more. I am appreciative of those that know I will make mistakes or stumble as I learn and grow but never judge me or hold anything against me because they know it is part of my path.

I am grateful for the people I have met that are fellow widows/widowers’ and that understand my crazy thoughts and feelings and that can make me feel normal for even a brief moment when I share my crazy thoughts and I am equally sorry and heartbroken for their losses that make them understand me at all.

Lastly, I hope that this post can help teach, explain or at least be a voice for any others out there that are battling through the trenches of grief and loss whether openly or quietly and that are just trying to heal. 
Let this not define us, but rather, refine us. 

LM