Who's That Girl?

Every day we are presented with choices. Go left or right? Say yes or say no? Follow the path of good or stray and lose yourself to some sort of bad or evil? Our lives are full of choices and sometimes we make those decisions on our own and sometimes we look to others whether it be a partner, a friend, your family or even a therapist to help guide us through making that final call. But what happens when things aren’t so crystal clear? Do you trust your gut, do you take a leap of faith and how do you ensure you are doing the right thing, especially if it impacts other people in your life?

I used to have this super power of just knowing what to do. Sure it may have been tough sometimes, some were right and others were a learning journey but regardless I made each decision and somehow I had an inner faith that things would just work out. Somehow I could make that judgement call and would feel confident in it. That was me then – but what about now?

Over the last few years it all changed. I know a lot of that had to do with my safety net and stable world having gone through a huge upheaval and just like an earthquake causes unstable grounds following its destruction, life instances can cause that too. I feel this added pressure now as if all eyes are on me, watching to see what I will do next. Will she succeed on her own or crumble? Is she making the right choices or not? Can she raise her little girl to be happy, healthy and successful with whatever path she chooses or will she be another statistic of another child who came from a non-traditional far from picture perfect family that didn’t get a fair chance with her full potential? It’s a lot to carry daily so it’s no wonder making choices, even the simplest of ones, can be so emotionally and physically draining on someone. Where is the AI that can spit out the answers or plan to our life questions and goals when you so desperately need it?

I can see how for some people the thrill of taking risks and making choices can be exciting, but I’ve always been the trusty tortoise. You know the one from the classic Tortoise and the Hare childhood story? Slow and steady wins the race. I’ve never been greedy so there was no rush to any type of long term plan or success in life for me. I was ok with pulling up my sleeves and using a little extra elbow grease if need be to get to my ultimate goal and it has worked for me but for some reason now, I second guess and can even overthink my path and the choices I make. A little extra sensitive, guarded and definitely more cautious now, but I’m working through that every day. I’m slowly learning to trust myself and to try and look at things with an open mind, an open heart and putting some extra faith in the universe too.

So to any other people out there, especially some of my fellow widow friends who are trying to rebuild their lives and making some tough choices right now, I hope you give yourself the pat on the back you need for all you’ve already done. I hope you are being a little extra soft with yourself because this can be very emotional and triggering and most importantly, just start trusting yourself a little bit more too. You are doing great and in the words of the great Nelson Mandela “may your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears”.

LM