Who's That Girl?

A phrase I am often thinking in my head or even saying out loud because there is something in each and every single day that I miss from my previous life.

The most obvious is my person but that is just the tip of the iceberg. It can be overwhelming some days because there are so many things that brought me joy, happiness and excitement and it can be painful as every day there are constant reminders of what is no more. Even if some of the things I did previously I still do currently, it still isn’t the same. That goes for the stressful situations too. I dealt with a lot of stress previously, but for some strange reason I was able to function in that high-stress place and still manage it all and I miss that about myself. I miss my old self for being able to just function despite the chaos and yet always still having a clear mind and being able to make specific and direct decisions. Today I miss the old version of me.

I would assume that is to be expected so rather than beating myself up about yet another thing, I have been trying to acknowledge one thing per day that I miss, allowing whatever feelings or emotions that come with it to be felt, honouring that memory, thought or thing by holding space for it for a few moments and then moving forward. Some days it can be easier to just move forward and other days……well let’s just say I may sit with it a little longer. Some things aren’t as easy to process in a day, a week, a month or even 2 years, but I keep at it as best I can and eventually it will be easier, or so they say, right? I’m still waiting for that day.

Today was hard. Today it felt as if nothing I did was right or good enough and everything just felt upsetting to me. I couldn’t fix all the problems, I couldn’t make everything right for everyone including myself. I could crack and cry at the blink of an eye and was doing everything in my power just to keep it together. I was feeling everything deep and it was rough. Today I wished I was anywhere else but here. It’s the beginning of December, and the holiday season has kicked off and it’s ripping me up inside. I don’t want to hear the holiday songs, I don’t want to decorate, I don’t want to be here feeling all of this that is my reality. Am I in a bad dream? Can I wake up now, PLEASE? Nope. So, I will continue. I will do my work and try my best……for my future. I will put up the tree and decorate it…..for my daughter. I will sing along to the songs she wants to play…….for her. I will go to all the holiday gatherings and celebrations…….for everyone else. But for me, when I have my moments alone, I will just feel the feelings, let them out and I will think of the things about him or my previous life that are in my mind until tomorrow’s things to miss come bubbling up. I will try again tomorrow because that’s all you can do, try again and again and think about what it is today that I miss.

LM