Who's That Girl?

Newsflash – this still SUCKS!

I read somewhere that the average person heals from grief anywhere from 6 months to 2 years following the passing of a loved one.  Well, reading something like that can really mess with your head if you are past that average time frame and STILL suffering with enormous amounts of grief and pain, all while dealing with the constant negative or scary loop that is continuously going through your mind daily.  For me I feel like what it should say is you don’t really BEGIN to feel grief until that numbness or shock wares off which potentially could be 6 months following their passing and onward for several years to come.  That in my opinion seems more realistic and it is what I have shared with fellow widow’s or even just anyone that has asked how I am doing.

At this time last year, it was when it all really hit me for the first time and that was 2 years following Mark’s passing.  The numbness faded, shock had worn off and guess what, reality of my new life smacked me right in the face. HARD.  I did a lot of work to help pull me through it and slowly came out on the other side, or so I thought.  It’s not that you wake up and don’t think about your person or that things don’t hurt and aren’t a struggle, but rather its just that you can function or manage that pain and those thoughts a little better in your day to day life. I knew I wouldn’t be completely healed or fixed but I felt like things were starting to look up again.  Then fast forward to a few months ago and I hit my next crash all of which I am still navigating currently.  This time I don’t feel guilty about feeling this way, nor am I trying to hide it because what I learned is that these peaks and waves will happen, there is no time limit as to when they can occur and there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.  If people truly love me then they will understand that I am doing my best while trying to figure out how to move forward with a new life for Mila and I.  I may be extra sensitive, super emotional or recoil from life and social events and if none of that makes sense to my onlooker’s then just remind yourselves that this doesn’t make any sense to me either. My ask is that people be patient and compassionate with me as I surf these waves on my journey.

Most grief websites, posts or books have people talking about their grief and how it has affected them and they are always reminding you that you are normal, all of which I found helpful and made me feel less alone, however, something was still missing.  Then late one night I was having one of my usual moments of panic and worry about everything under the sun.  I was being faced with more really big decisions that I had to make on my own, I felt hurt by comments made by people close to me, was down for the count sick with some sort of nasty cough and cold that I just couldn’t shake, work was insanely busy, and I was feeling very much alone and scared.  I’ve been avoiding smoking so couldn’t do my usual go outside and smoke 2-3 cigarettes to calm my nerves and no decisions should be made at 2am when crying or panicking so I decided to go on social media to scroll mindlessly and to distract myself from the agonizing thoughts and pressure I was feeling.  

Half of the things I was seeing weren’t even registering with me. I was so darn tired physically, yet mentally I was wired and couldn’t even focus on the simple and random videos I was seeing.  That was until I saw a woman who posted some specific things that caught my attention.  I clicked on her page and there it was, post after post that was as if she was in my head or could hear my cries.  She referenced how the second and third year after losing her husband she felt frustration with life and even more so, with herself!  Another post about how your mind will convince you that you are failing as a mother, how you will never feel normal again, will never find normal love again and that you are STUCK.  That word “stuck” I have said at a minimum of 3 times a day since July 2021. She swore, she felt real, she was angry and she made me feel seen and heard which made my heart and head stop racing for a few moments.  It was an instant follow from that moment, and I look forward to her daily posts, her Widow Wednesday chats and her real talk that she shares.  She even organizes annual retreats, and it is my hope that I will be able to get to one next year should she organize it again.  Her name is Heather Quisel and she is 5 years out from having lost her husband and I highly recommend giving her a follow.  If not for yourself while navigating your life through grief, but perhaps even to get a glimpse into what a widow reality is like and to educate yourself so you can be a supportive family member or friend too.

So, to Heather, thank you for making me feel normal and understood and even responding to my message on that very late night in my dark place. Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts with everyone so openly.  

To anyone reading this today, please understand I’m doing my best and even though you may or may not agree with me, or you may not like how I am doing things or my reactions to situations, please try to show me grace as I navigate through this constant storm.  And lastly, to anyone else struggling, take it a day at a time, one breath at a time and remind yourself that you are going to be ok.  

 LM