Who's That Girl?

I woke up today and things didn’t feel so heavy or dark.

I woke up today and realized I had let go of some things I’d been carrying for quite some time. 

I felt proud.

I decided that if I’m not someone’s cup of tea, worth their time or effort, it’s ok.  

I decided that if people know me, really know me and love me then they are my people and boy, am I surrounded by some good ones that really came through for me in this recent dark stretch.

I decided if I did the bare minimum yesterday because it was all I could pull myself together to do, it was ok.

I decided that the sun shining on me was a beautiful gift and that it was ok to actually enjoy it.  

I didn’t beat myself up or think negatively about myself or anything for that matter, nor did I have my usual sad thoughts.  

It’s amazing how through the rollercoaster ride of grief you can have these random moments or days of feeling strong, happy, clear headed, determined and beautiful both inside and out. It’s a rare type of day so when you have them you make the most of it and savour them as best you can.  

You try not to get ahead of yourself questioning if this time it will last 1 day, 2 days, a week?  You just stop and enjoy this and remind yourself that you have all you need in this very moment.

You find your brain trying to do its usual thing where it starts to overthink about what you might have done differently the day before or the night before that may have helped this spike in dopamine but then you stop yourself again and remind yourself to just go with it.  Do not waste any of this precious and sometimes very limited time trying to figure it out!  

This temporary parting of dark clouds where you can see the sunlight pushing through ever so strongly is wonderful and you need to just hang on to it for as long as possible.  

Take a selfie or photo to capture whatever you are doing so that you can look back at it as a reminder when those clouds start to come back.  You have proof now that you were human again at this very moment in time. “I swear it really happened!” is what you will tell yourself when you look back on those darker days. 

You even get the sudden urge to want to do things your brain normally won’t allow you to do.  You feel like you can move the entire earth, change the world somehow, make big decisions all because you finally can think straight and aren’t so confused, scared or lost.  You tell yourself, “brace yourself LM, baby steps.  We don’t want to catapult ourselves back to that not-so-good place because we overdid it today.”  

So you decide to write it out and share it because it’s an accomplishment even if it is just for today.  You did it! You survived the usual pain and grief today and it felt fantastic.  
Here’s hoping that the distance and time between those good and not-so-good days gets smaller and smaller each time – but for today, just enjoy.

xo LM